


I don't want to be the fat one anymore

by kpopoppa



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, M/M, Weight Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-21
Updated: 2014-06-21
Packaged: 2018-02-05 13:33:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1820227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kpopoppa/pseuds/kpopoppa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shindong was sick and tired of being the fat one. So he decides to change that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I don't want to be the fat one anymore

This whole story is in Shindong's POV

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've always been told it. It's undeniable too. I am fat. I don't have body dysmorphic disorder or anything. I'm just fat. Somebody a makes it their job everyday to tell me I'm fat. That I should lose weight. That I shouldn't be eating that. There hasn't been a day since I met them all, eleven years ago, that I haven't been told I'm fat by a member. Although I'm mentally strong, more so than most people, being told your fat everyday for eleven years is never nice. Even when I do lose weigh its "you don't look so fat" or "nice job, but lose more". It's never enough. It's like they're taking Anorexia and shoving it down my throat. Wishing that one I'll see that I need it. That it's for the better. For my health. I guess I should grant them that wish.

What are calories really? I know what they are medically. The measurement of the amount of energy that enter your body. But how many is too much? I heard your meant to eat 2000 a day, but isn't that a little much? What about 50? That sounds good. So many foods have so many more calorie than that. 500. For just one meal.

I'm called over to dinner. All of a sudden I feel shy. I don't want to eat infront of them. They'll judge me. Call me fat. Tell me not to eat this or that. So I just won't. I just won't eat. I haven't eaten today yet. But at my size I guess I don't really need to.Not eating for a day won't kill me.I'm given mine and I start pushing around the food. Luckily, no one will care. They've been wanting this for so long they're probably pleased. Happy with their work. I feel Heechul's eyes on me. Telling me "don't eat you fat pig." I listen. It's not like I want to any way.

After dinner I go and weigh myself. It has to have been 3 years since I've last done this. All I remeber is it at 80 kilos. I have gained. I can feel it.

I close my eyes.

beep

My weights measured. I open my eyes and look down.

93 kilos

I lose my breath and stumble. I need to sit down. As I do I start to cry. I gained 13 kilos to an already ginormous weight. This just gives me all the more reason to do this. I slowly get up again and head off to bed. I will do this.

I wake up and look at my clock.

8:00 am

Shit. No one woke me up. I quickly get up and get dressed. When I pad out, I hope they've finished breakfast. I'm not hungry. Well physically I am. But mentally, not so much.

"We finished."

Heechul says when I walk in.

"Whatever."

I say walking away. They're helping me miss meals.With other members they get them up and make sure they don't miss out. But I'm different. I'm fat.

In the car I feel terrible. I feel like I'm taking up more of the car than I should. Look at poor Sungmin, all squished in the corner all because I'm fat. At least that will change soon. I'm really trying now.

"Do you want some?"

Ryeowook offers me some food.

"No thanks."

I mumble,

"You missed breakfast!"

He says, eyes pleading me to eat.

"I'm fine Wookie."

"Ok"

He sighs and turns away.

"FInally, he's learning."

I hear Heechul snicker.

 

I don't understand. Did they think I could move properly with all this fat. I told them to put me up the back. What I didn't say is it would be more aesthtetically pleasing for everyone. Including me. I try telling them again;

"Put me in the back!"

I camly tell the choreographer again.

"Yes please, save the audience."

Heechul replies.

"Ok."

Finally I'm put in the back. I can relax slightly. I'm not going to be as judged.

When I get home I start to see black in my sight.I knew this would happen, but not that quick. I grab onto the counter.

"You ok Donghee?"

Heechul asks entering the kitchen.

"Yeah, I'm fine Heemin."

I say faking a smile.

"Ok."

He walks out.

 

I've been doing this for 3 months and I'm starting to see some results.

First weigh in: 93

Second weigh in: 83 

Thrid weigh in: 77

The members are starting to notice now. In a good, encouraging way. Yesterday Donghae said "You've lose weight". And for the first time in eleven years, it's been a week since they've called me fat, or mentioned my weight with malice in their tone. It's an overwhealming feeling, but I'm still the fattest. Most of the members weigh in the 60's, some even 50's. At least I'm closer to them then before. 93, how did I ever get to 93?

For the first time in a month, we're preforming on stage. We have a fan sign afterwards.

"Oppa, you've gotten so skinny!"

One fan exclaims when she meet's me.

"No, really. I'm fine."

I smile at her.

"Ok oppa."

Ok. Ok. Ok. Why has that been said to me so much lately. I tell someone I'm alright. "Ok." The worse thing is I don't know if it's a good or bad thing they're saying that either.

I need to weigh myself. I haven't been able to this week and I'm scared I'ved gained

69

Disgusting. But at least I'm in the 60's. My goal weight is 53. I would love to maybe get into the 40's, but I'll still have a long way to go. The fear of confrentation is getting worse everyday. I'm geting more stare when I push around my food. Not the "thank go he's not eating" kind of stare, but the worried stare. They're staring to catch on that something is wrong and that's not what I want.

My weight loss is slowing down. I heard this would happen. My metabolisim is slowing down to try and stop me from losing so much weight. So in other words, my body is trying to stop me, but my mind won't let me. And they do say, that you are your mind.

I have a solution for my rapidly slowing weight loss. I'll have to start to exercise more. Gym. Everyday. I set my alarm for 4:15am. This way no one will notice and I can lie about eating. It's an almost flawless plan. Almost. There's always the chance somebody will wake up and notice I'm gone. If that ever does happen, I hope to god it's Heechul. He won't care if I've gone to the gym. He'll encourage it. He'll tell me to go more. I like that.

Beep, beep, beep

I hit the top of the clock to shut it up. I can't have the members waking up. I quietly get dressed and head out the door. I run to the gym. I'm lucky there's a 24 hour gym only half an hours walk from our dorm.

I push myself. I need to. I need to get rid of all this fat. But my legs are killing me. I check the clock

7:20

I've been at the gym pretty much 3 hours. That isn't enough. I'll have to go tonight some time. When I get home I'm lucky that no ones up yet. I get changed and pretend to have breakfast. Really just dirting up thr plates to make it look as if I've eaten. I put it in the sink and get ready for the day

8:00- The members should be waking up.

8:30- We go to the dance studio and practise for five hours.

1:30- We get lunch

2:00- We have a rehearsal

That's out day. Pretty short if you ask me. But at least I'll have room for the gym later.

\-----------------------

{3 weeks time skip}

I haven't weighed myself in these last three weeks. I wanted to see a signifigant difference so I waited a while. I would have waited a month but I need to weigh myself so badly I'm shaking. I take off my shirt and step on the scale

59

Yes! Ten kilo's in three weeks. The exercise has sped up my weight loss at last. At this point, I should be down in the 40-49 kilo range by next month. I can't stop now, I'm too close to it to stop. They're noicing now. Everyone is. Instead of fat comments, I get comments on how skinny I've gotten. I weigh almost as much a Ryeowook now. I'm well on my way to the lightest. I'm lighter than almost all the members, only Ryeowook in lighter, by 3 kilos. I'll lose that in a week. I'm so happy this worked. I'm sure the members are too. They no longer have a fat member. Well as fat. Obviously I'm still massive. But 93 to 59 is pretty good if you ask me, but not good enough. I need more. I need to lose more, and fast. I can't have them stating an intervention. I just want's them to leave me alone and let me lose all the weigh I want. It's my life, not theirs.

 

We have a preformance tonight. When I arrive the coordi noona looks at me, shocked.

"Donghee?"

She asks.

"Yes?"

"It's only been three weeks! Ok we're going to have to take these in a lot. You wait while I do that ok?"

She comes back in a couple minutes.

"We had to swap them out with a smaller size. They couldn't be taken in enough."

"Ok."

This is a weird feeling. I'm used to have my pants going up a size. Not down. But this is a good thing.

"Donghee, you're so tiny now!"

I spin around and see Heechul looking at me with teary eyes.

"And it's all my fault."

He sobs.

"No it's not Heemin, and I'm not that small."

This is the thing about Heechul. He's so blunt and painfully honest, but also he cares alot, and can be so sweet, and it's such a confusing combination.

"You are ok?"

He asks me.

"I'm fine."

He comes and hugs me.

"It's so weird feeling your ribs when I hug you."

He exclaims.

"It's weird feeling my ribs!"

He laughs. This is what I want. Them to be happy with my weight loss. Not sad. I'm happy. So far. Just a couple kilos more and I'll be at my goal weight. And it's so exciting because never in my life have I been called "skinny" or "tiny" or even "handsome" and the fact that that is happening and could happen even more soon makes me so happy for some reason. But also, I feel ashamed at myself for basing my happiness so much on my apperence, but I'm an idol. I'm meant to be skinny and handsome. This is what I signed up for. And I can't believe it's taken me almost nine years to get my fucking act together. But better late that never.

Two minutes. It's been over 5 months since the fans saw me and the others last. Two minutes they'll see. Hopefully they like it. If they don't then what do I do? I can't gain the weight back.

"Super Junior now."

We walk on stage I hear some "What?"'s and some "Holy shits!"'s in the crowd. I wonder if they're because of me. I think the could be but you never know.

"Aniyeonhasieyo, we are Super Junior."

"Shindong oppa?"

I hear the audience scream.

"Neh, that is in fact Shindong, he's changed a little hasn't he?"

Leeteuk jokes with the crowd.

"Neh!"

They all scream back. I want the attention off me. I can feel their eyes judging me and its disconcerning in all honesty.

Half way through the song I feel light headed. No. Not now. I need to get though this. I can't faint here. It's too late. My world goes black and I'm down.

When I awaken I'm at home in my bed. Ryeowook is next to me.

"You ok Donghee Hyung?"

"I'm good."

He looks at me weirdly.

"Eat this."

"No"

"Please."

"No."

He turns away. Wen he looks back I see his tear filled eyes. He was trying to hide them...

"I know what's wrong with you."

He tells me.

"What?"

"Eating Disorder. I had one when I was younger."

I choke on my words.

"But why Hyung."

I sigh.

"I didn't want to be the fat one any more."

**Author's Note:**

> I have this on AsianFanFics under kpopoppa as well:) Thank you so much for reading<3


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